Shiver Me Tinder
By: Taylor Andrews
It’s a basic movement controlled by the touch of a finger; swipe right if he’s hot, swipe left if he’s not. But Super Like him if he’s, like, really, really, really cute.
If any program encompasses the shallow and ambiguous dating life of young millennials, it’s no other than the infamous Tinder app. With an estimated 50 million people using Tinder every month according to the app, I am destined to find my Casanova somehow.
Not only does it heal the incurable romantics, but it has revamped chivalry in newer ways than ever before.
Just reference active Tinder user, Caleb and his messaging techniques.
Quite the conversation starter, Caleb.
Some other contenders include, “On a scale of 1-America, how free are you tonight?” or “Do you know what all my shirts are made of? Boyfriend Material.”
“People say really weird pick-up lines and I’m not about it,” said Valerie Frasier, a Belmont student who has inconsistently regretted her decision to download Tinder since 2014.
Entertainment and curiosity, however, keeps her redownloading and swiping.
Fortunately in today’s society, we traded the saying “Goin’ steady” with “Netflix and chill.”
Believe me, there’s nothing more romantic than watching “Making a Murderer” with Bae.
Now let’s breakdown Tinder for those living under a rock, it’s quite simple. When browsing through potential boyfriend’s, swipes are based on pictures and bios.
The best bios would include a man’s height (vital and necessary to all tall women), his location, his job and something interesting that would make shaving my legs worthy.
Or you can use Mr. tall, dark and handsome, Dominic’s technique and write “Just looking for a smart girl with a dumb booty.”
A swipe to the right essentially initiates the first move. It says, “Hey, I like you and I think you’re cute.”
Swiping to the left would be the equivalent of giving the guy at the bar the wrong number. AKA, you never have to see him again.
If the cute boy from speech class returns the favor and swipes right for you, it’s a match.
After you’re matched, messaging is fair game. Prepare yourself; men can be distasteful, especially between the hours of 1 a.m. to 4 a.m.
To preface, I am no newbie to this godforsaken trend. I’ve had my fair share of matches and conversations on Tinder. Call me an extraordinaire if you will, but the familiar red flame app has been taking up storage on my phone for two years now.
As a self-proclaimed expert, I have successfully broken the Tinder game down to a science. As a heterosexual female, I have listed my settings for men only, aged 21-25 and within 50 miles of my current location.
Within the quotas set, I have formulated a list of the men who can be found on Tinder.
- The Frat Guy: Catch this species in some khakis and a Ralph Lauren polo. With an adult-beverage-sighting in all pictures, his conversations normally begin with, “So, where’s the party tonight?” (It’s Monday).
- The Hipster: His face is hidden beneath a Fedora; he holds a cigarette in his left hand and a craft beer in the right. His beard has since outgrown no-shave November.
- The Athlete: He’s No. 17 on the field, but No. 1 in your heart. He poses with abnormally short women to put emphasis on his already obvious tall statue. Dunking pictures expected.
- The Guy Way Too Into Himself: Since when did abs become a face?
- The Military Guy: This man is probably a good 30-40 miles away, but that doesn’t stop him from messaging you. He works with a hefty male population all day, don’t be alarmed when he replies within 30 seconds.
- The Crossfitter: Refer to “The Guy Way Too Into Himself” with more muscle.
- The Creep: He has one outdated picture of himself, do not trust this to actually be an indication of what he looks like. His bio includes, “Don’t be shy, I’m a nice guy ;)” In other words, beware of raunchy and vulgar messages referencing his Richard.
- The Normal One: Will be Determined.
So matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match… preferably with Mr. Normal.
And that’s how he seemed at first. Normal.
My first and only boyfriend from Tinder.
He was a Southern boy at heart, but an aspiring lawyer in the work force. His charm and charisma rode the line between white and blue collared, a question I could never quite determine, myself.
“Baby” and “sweetheart” escaped his lips every two words, they were endearing spells cast upon his withering prey.
Among the six months of dating, Mr. Normal shifted into an inconceivable amount of ego.
Instead of my Romeo, he proved to be more of a Gatsby; thirsty and obsessed with an unattainable idea of love, unfortunately like most on Tinder.
While I have decided that my love life is basically, entirely doomed, others have found the light at the end of the tunnel.
Ohio Native, Elizabeth Baldwin downloaded the app last November.
Her new Tinder beau learned her last name after their fourth date, an important detail Tinder omits in its profile. Baldwin, on the other hand, discovered his after an intensive search on Instagram and Facebook.
After a messy break-up in late November with a previous boyfriend, Baldwin downloaded Tinder as her remedy. Her curiosity led her to the app, unsure of what she would find.
“I put my age range from 21-35 because I love silver daddies. I like my guys to have their shit together. I wanted to find someone who was older but instead of having a kid, had a yacht,” said Baldwin.
She settled for the next best thing; a 25-year-old electrical fencing engineer whom she describes as a “Closet nerd.”
Baldwin believes the appeal of Tinder among the college-aged generation stems from their insecurities and loneliness.
“I think Tinder is so popular because our generation is into instant gratification. Tinder is something where you can get on and match with someone in seconds. You’re going to talk to someone right away and I think that’s appealing to people,” said Baldwin.
Two-year Tinder veteran, Frasier blames it on the hook-up culture.
“Guys don’t have to put in as much effort into dating anymore because you don’t have to put in effort if you’re talking online. It’s all virtual,” said Frasier.
And me? Well, I blame it on technology.
Call it desperate or call it innovative, the choice is yours. Dating has become controlled by the swipe of a finger, whether it’s your modern day Cupid or not.
The real question is; why go to a coffee shop and buy that cute girl a drink, when you can sign up for a Premium Tinder account for only $9.99 a month?